#2: The Penguin Defense League
SUBJECT: Sketch of Penguin Puking Armless Skeleton
Do you have any images depicting the events leading up to the penguin vomiting incident?
Charles P. Escallop
Penguin Defense League
Mr. Escallop,
Given your affiliation with the PDL, you can understand my reticence in responding to this line of questioning.
There are images preceding the one I have posted, but before I engage further, I have been advised to ask the nature of your inquiry.
Regards,
Mr. Stumps
Mr. Stumps-
First and foremost, I must protest your use of PDL in connection with the Penguin Defense League: the Penguin Defamation League uses this acronym for their own nefarious purposes, often with the intent of subverting legitimate communication with our organization.
As for our interest in your images, a number of originals from the Penguin Holistic Artistic Rehabilitation Team (PHART) were recently duplicated by unknown means and we are concerned that there may be a plot to undermine their value in auction based fundraising. Any information you can provide about the origin of said image(s) would be most appreciated.
Sincerely,
Charles P. Escallop
Penguin Defense League
Escallop,
Penguin Defamation, Penguin Defense, you’re all the same – a bunch of meddlers who can’t keep your noses out of the affairs of others.
When you tuck into those sweet, satin sheets at night, do you waft to slumber knowing petulant organizations like yours survive solely by leeching off honest men and women trying to squeak out a meager living? You’re a parasite.
And if you think for one second you’re any better than the Penguin Defamation League, I’d suggest you take a peek at the parent company financing both of these rackets. You want compliance? Get a warrant.
I’m done with these saccharine courtesies. Don’t piss on my parade and tell me it’s raining.
Regards,
Mr. Stumps
#3: A Grand Offer
SUBJECT: Sketch of Penguin Puking Armless Skeleton
Beautiful. I’m so fucking interested. How about a grand?
That is a generous offer.
However, I regret to inform you that this delightful portrayal of a flightless bird gacking a half-limbed bone man can only be obtained for freesies.
If you would still like it, I will mail it off to whatever address you desire, autographed at your request.
#4: Unlikely Delivery Systems
SUBJECT: Sketch of Penguin Puking Armless Skeleton
Hello. I would love this. Is it still available?
To your chagrin and my delight, the market has been sorely deficient on barfing birds for quite some time. As such, the original sketch has already been spoken for.
As recompense for your loss, I can either mail a copy of the original, a hand-drawn reasonable facsimile of the original, or sketch a mouse chewing on a pirate hat with a santa hat on its tail.
In either case, an address is required for prompt delivery. For a less prompt, unreliable delivery, I can place it on the ground somewhere within the continental United States and rely on the wind figure out the deets.
Will you surprise me? At this point, I am confident that anything I receive from you will bring a smile to my face.
You are not unlike the Candy Man (of Wonka fame) in that you can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew, cover it with chocolate and a miracle or two.
Once again, I’d like to thank you. You make the world taste good.
#5: Popsicles and Chumbawumba
SUBJECT: Sketch of Penguin Puking Armless Skeleton
Hi!! I’d love your puking penguin. If you still have it please an you send it to: [address redacted]Thanks!!I
I regret to inform you the original sketch you so graciously speak of has already been spoken for. I am sure your heart must be in a very sad, dark place in this moment, so allow me to coax it back into the light.
I am willing to hand-draw a reasonable facsimile of the original sketch, send a copy, or a popsicle listening to Chumbawumba on its headphones and mildly enjoying it.
Oh that is a terrible shame, but I am very happy to hear that you have some other beautiful art works that you would be willing to send our way.
I am very torn between the popsicle and the replacement penguin…
perhaps you should just surprise us as I am certain I will love either one.
Please do be so kind as to sign your masterpiece for us?
Eagerly anticipating its arrival
Kindest regards
I appreciate your empathy to the situation. It never feels good to disappoint, a fact that I will seriously ponder before offering another hastily drawn doodle to the general public.
I only hope the joy recieved by the original recipient exceeds the despair invoked by the wanting masses.Your artwork will arrive, signed, promptly.
Thank you so much – We are so excited to be receiving a replacement art work and will be eagerly awaiting its arrival… Do love a surprise.
Have a wonderful weekend and keep up the artistic endeavors.
Kindest regards
#6: Sketch Vs. Maybe Death
SUBJECT: Sketch of Penguin Puking Armless Skeleton
Hi, I’d be interested in having your sketch. What part of central LA are you located in? I’ll be in the Compton area tomorrow, and I live on the Westside.
Thanks
It is with heavy heart I inform you that I will only be mailing this sketch, as this reduces opportunities for me being dead.
If you are still interested in receiving the sketch, provide a mailing address for prompt delivery. Autograph upon request.
Hi, well, like your fear of dying, I have a fear of disclosing my address unless 100% necessary, so we’re at a Mexican standoff, and I lose.
Thanks anyway for responding.
We have allowed the fear of the unknown to deprive us of a golden opportunity, and yet, I suspect we have both acted with perhaps the greatest of wisdomdry (word invented for convenience).
If it is any consolation, the original sketch has been long since spoken for, and I would only be able to offer a reasonable facsimile thereof, or a new sketch altogether, such as a hotdog burying a roll of quarters next to a redwood tree.
If you change your mind, provide a PO Box, or the address of someone you’re acquaintances with but not particularly fond of just in case, I will send one of these options to whatever address you give. Autographed upon request.
#7: Quelling Initial Hardships
SUBJECT: Sketch of Penguin Puking Armless Skeleton
Kool sketch – I’d love it.[address redacted]please autograph it to:[information redacted]
Thanks mucho!
It pains me to inform you that the original sketch has been claimed by someone with keener reflexes and a steadfast resolve.
In an effort to subdue the incredible pain you must now be suffering, I will happily hand draw a reasonable facsimile of the original, send a copy, or hand draw an entirely new sketch of a lamp lying to a hard shell taco about the weather outside. Any choice will be autographed as requested. I will be sending this on a standard 8.5 x 11 sheet, although I am willing to slightly trim one corner for the sake of eccentricity.
Regards,
sounds beyond my wildest expectations. It shall surely quell my initial hardship of missing out on the puking penguin.
All the best
#8: Penguin or Bust
SUBJECT: MUST HAVE!
Please send to [address redacted] thanks
While I am immensely grateful for the intensity of your request, I am sorry to inform you that the original sketch has been betrothed to someone with faster phalanges.
In the wake of this disastrous news, may you find peace in this glimmer of hope: I can send a hand-drawn reasonable facsimile of the initial sketch, a copy of the original, or a sketch of a mustached earthworm lounging on a smoke pipe.
Damn.
The Email Responses
#1: A Bird In The Mancave
SUBJECT: penguin sketch
replying to ad thought it was an awesome sketch for my mancave will frame and send pics back when complete. [address redacted]. provide email to send pics when complete.
MY REPLY:
With this sketch, I have no doubt your mancave will be replete with items of varying quality and interest adorning its walls.I will venture to the post office posthaste to ensure speedy delivery.
#9: How Much For A Free Sketch?
SUBJECT: sketch
This is a very nice sketch. How much do you want for it?
As I have posted this in the “Free” section, there is no cost to receive this glorious depiction of an upchucking penguin.
If you would still like it, despite its lack of cost, please send your address for prompt delivery.
Yes, I would love to receive this work, if it is still available.
Thank you so much for your generous offer. I hadn’t noticed it was in the Free section. (I’ve been working hard this last week, and I don’t function well under such conditions.)
My address is: [address redacted] May I at least reimburse you for shipment of this glorious depiction of an upchucking penguin?
It pains me to break the news, particularly to a hard-working whippersnapper and obviously kind person such as yourself, but someone has already secured the original by sending me their address sooner. In the interest of fairness, my hands are tied.
I will contact the first person and see if he is willing to concede, given the extenuating circumstances. In the meantime, I will offer you four options, of which two (#3 and #4) have not been offered to anyone else.
1) I can re-draw a reasonable facsimile of the original sketch.
2) print a copy of the original
3) I can sketch a brown bear having a hard time at a pottery class lesson he purchased from Groupon.
4) I will ATTEMPT to draw anything you like.
In terms of compensation, if you absolutely insist on reimbursing me, I will reluctantly send a second, separate envelope containing a pre-stamped, self-addressed envelope. In that envelope, you are permitted to place a single stamp and mail it back to me.
Thank you for offering such a thoughtful selection of alternatives to my first choice.
Allow me some time to consider between options one, three and four, as I have already downloaded the image.
The brown bear option sounds particularly tempting!
I am glad to hear the impact of this terrible truth was not as devastating as I’d feared.
Full disclosure: I have never drawn a brown bear before, nor a pottery wheel for that matter. I don’t know if this is considered a positive or negative thing, but there you have it.
My devastation over the loss of the original sketch would have been far greater had it not been for your kind offer of an alternative. And yes, the bear is indeed my choice!
If the prospect of drawing a potter’s wheel is daunting to you, please know that I would be perfectly satisfied with its absence. I would not, however, be satisfied with the absence of the bear.
I look forward with anticipation to my new sketch ~ And I am heartened when I consider that it will make a more cheerful addition to my gallery than the vomiting penguin and disfigured skeleton. (As glorious as it was!)
As requested, I will be sending you a sketch of a brown bear having a hard time at a pottery class lesson he purchased from Groupon.
Please see below for a close proximity of what the final sketch will look like.
click here to see -->
Oh my goodness, this sketch is masterful! I love it so much !!!!!!! I am TOO excited. More later.
I am pleased to hear my portrayal of a bear’s dissatisfaction is to your satisfaction.
Sketch of Penguin Puking Armless Skeleton (Central LA)
I have one printed rough sketch of a penguin barfing up a skeleton. The skeleton has no arms, but is lying in a pool of vomit. See picture for a better idea of what you’ll be receiving.
Send address for prompt delivery. Can autograph upon request.
CLICK TO BIGGIFY
The Penguin Post
