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Slinky Tries To Buy Soda With Severed Lizard Tongue
I am looking for a new home for this 8×10 print illustration.
This is a Slinky attempting to purchase a caffeinated beverage with an iguana tongue.
The thirsty coil is optimistic the machine will accept this fleshy piece of reptile as currency, despite previous failed attempts with both salamander and gecko tongues.
The Soda Slinky Post
#1: An Heirloom For The Grandkids
SUBJECT: Picture
Did you give the print away yet??
My Reply:
The print is yours! Congratulations!
You were the first responder, and have earned a quite-coveted prize.
Generations from now, you’re grandchildren’s grandchildren shall wonder how this remarkable slinky slank into your possession. And your grandchild will sit them upon his or her knee and recant the tale of their grandfather just tromping around Craigslist one day.
And if just a single tear wets their cheek, my work will have been worth it. If they’re unmoved, I’m sort of hoping your grandchild’s grandchild gets scratched by a cat (just a surface injury, nothing too serious).
May I ask what drew you to the piece? Also, would you like the artwork signed?
When I first saw the picture said to myself.. “This is AWESOMe!!”.
Something about the print was that it was a little odd but at the same time made perfect sense to me.. I can’t really explain it. I like unique things i guess..
If you could sign it that would be great. I'm opening up a small recording studio and I plan on displaying it in the hang out area so it has a good home with me
How can I retrieve it??
I am overwhelmed with joy by the knowledge that this little guy will bask in the limelight of your confused clientele.
Congrats on opening the recording studio! I just thought of a terrific idea…
when you receive this picture, put someone in front of the microphone, hand them the photo, and ask them to explain what they’re looking at. Then explain it to them, record their reaction, and send me the audio.
I would consider that payment in full.
Haha..We have a deal!
#2: Murder Den Decorations
SUBJECT: Free Prints
LOVE BOTH OF THE PRINTS YOU HAVE ON CRAIGSLIST. I recently moved into a new place and i’m looking for fun colorful Pop-art style artwork for my walls, and i love how quirky and fun these are. Please let me know if they are still available and I will come pick them up asap.
My Reply:
Thank you for your interest in what it is I do, whatever that “it” is.
I would be happy to christen your walls with my work, contingent on your promise that you haven’t moved to a new place because the authorities were closing in on the old one.
I don’t like discriminating against criminals, as I’m sure they can have superlative artistic taste, it’s just that I am reluctant to provide visual distractions for someone who should really be spending more time exploring the internal impulses that tell them to do the bad thing that “makes the heads come off funny.”
If that happens to be you, I would encourage you to get help first and wall art second.
Huh? I’m not a criminal!!! What r you talking about? Lol
I apologize if I seem overly-cautious, but when someone tells me that they’ve recently moved from somewhere, there’s always a possibility it’s because they’ve left a pile of bodies in their wake.
All you’ve offered so far is a denial, and I really need a promise.Just write back “I did not recently move because I was about to be caught by police for doing bad things to peoples’ heads”, and the illustrations are all yours.
You seem likable (killers are not known for utilizing “lol” in their correspondence), but if you can’t commit to that statement, it’s entirely possible (albeit unlikely) that I would be providing final decorative touches to your next murder den.
Oh my god this is bizarre and you seem crazy thanks anyway
Well I’m certainly not going to argue with that assessment.
If you change your mind and can make that aforementioned promise, the offer is open-ended.
Ciao!
I have definitely never commited murder or decapitations or impalement on anyone and did not move because the smell of decaying flesh was becoming too obvious in my small one bdrm apartment. I simply moved because this new place allowed more natural light and the layout was much cozier.
Is that better?
That was EXACTLY what I needed to hear, and I sincerely appreciate you alleviating my concerns.
I think it’s only fair that I also promise I’m none of those things, just a simple illustrator/narrator offering up free illustrations to folks who respond to my ad.
I’m sorry if I seemed unusually focused on confirming your relative normalcy.
Sidenote: it sounds like you’ve found a lovely little place, and I would be happy to have my art adorning your walls.
I’m happy I was able to ease your morbidly paranoid mind
Come on now… Would you ever consider meeting someone from the interwebs who refused to promise they weren’t a murderer?
Maybe you’re willing to throw caution to the wind, but me? I’d like to think I’m a survivor.
Yes you are right, maybe I should ask people about their criminal history before meeting. That seems like the smart sane thing to do. I really like the prints and I want them!
While I appreciate you sharing your excitement for these prints, your continued tolerance for my ambiguous sanity already says as much.
#3: If That's Not Offensive...
SUBJECT: Free 8x10 Print - Slinky Tries To Buy Soda With Severed Lizard Tongue
Interested here. Please contact me so I can pick up if it’s still available.
Wk-[redacted]
Cell-[redacted]
My Reply:
Really? Your work number? You must really want this little bugger.
“Yes I have a slinky trying to feed a soda machine lizard tongues. Is [redacted] available?”
Haha. I like it. Thought it was interesting.
I am available to meet if you are.
Well, we got ourselves three options, Steve.
1) You can take a plane ride to NYC where I live, and I will personally meet you to hand deliver the illustration and ask you why the fudge you chose this option.
2) You can pick it up when I mail it to my friend, who owns [redacted] and has agreed to be a pick-up location.
3) I can give you a digital copy of the illustration, which you can print out up to 8×10.
Note this option can’t be hand signed, but I can digitally sign it for you.
I’m on the next plane out man…Ha. I didn’t realize you were in NY, must’ve overlooked that. If picking it up here in LA is an option, I’d prefer that.
I’ll let you know when he receives it and it is ready to be picked up. Would you like it autographed?
Sure. On the back. If that’s not offensive.
Done. I will write “If that’s not offensive.” on the back.
Perfect!
Lol. Thank you very much man.
#4: Praying To The Right God
SUBJECT: Free 8x10 Print - Slinky Tries To Buy Soda With Severed Lizard Tongue
That is way cool. My loft wall would love it.
My Reply:
Your loft wall didn’t earn it.
But your quick fingers did!
Congratulations!
Thank Buddha for my quick digits.
Yes, Buddha delivered where Jesus, Muhammad, and L. Ron Hubbard did not. Perhaps your victory will start a new wave of conversions as spurned devotees decry their old gods dead from this missed opportunity to own a masterpiece.
Even with the obviousness of the truth, those devotees (sheep) will never denounce their imaginary deity.
If you are ever in town, I could get you a wall space for the DTLA Art Walk. I’m next to the [redacted] gallery and there is lots of art lovers (and otherwise) hovering about the building.
That is an incredibly generous offer!
#5: All The Wrong Reasons
SUBJECT: Free 8x10 Print - Slinky Tries To Buy Soda With Severed Lizard Tongue
hey I want this print!
My Reply:
hey well then you can have it!
May I ask what’s got you jonesing for it?
It’s bizarre and disturbing and I like it
Those sound like great reasons to run away in terror, not to want to own it.
In other words, it shall be yours.
I could sometime next week. Is this urgent or can you wait a few days?
There’s always a possibility the slinky arm will tire, resulting in an extra lizard tongue or two falling out while we wait (which will be reflected in the illustration).
But beyond that small repurcussion, I’m fine with holding off.
The Email Responses
