Kangaroo Responses
CLICK TO BIGGIFY
Kangaroo Has Pouch Overflowing With Fish
I am looking for a new home for a 8×10 illustration printed on 110 lb card stock.
The illustration is of a marsupial exiting a fish hatchery with several dozen fish practically spilling from her pouch.
Although she knows the compartment will reek for days, she is comforted by the way the fishies wriggle and squirm in her skin sack.
The Fish Kangaroo Post
#1: She's A Keeper. Maybe.
SUBJECT: Free 8x10 Print Illustration- Kangaroo Has Pouch Overflowing With Fish
In response to your ad on craigslist- Is the picture still available? I want it!
My Reply:
Congratulations! It wants you as well! In fact, you have made the marsupial’s day, you wily freak!
You were the first person to respond to the ad, so kudos, congrats, croutons and coupons.
Would you mind telling me what drew you to the picture? Also, would you like it signed?Again, congrats on winning such a fabulous piece of art!
Did you create this? Yes, I’d like it signed! :) may we ask what your inspiration was? Is it based on a true story?
I liked it partly because I identified with the kangaroo. YUM. I applaud her bravery and gusto. I don’t know if she plans to eat those fishies as well but I’d sure like to.
Anyway, thank you for choosing us to receive the art. I feel like I’ve won. I dont know how youre bearing to part with this.
When can we come pick her up?
Best,
[redacted]‘s woman
I did not choose you.
Nay, Fate decided this illustration would find its way into your home. Thank your husband’s fine phalanges for this good fortune.
I did create this piece of thing. I part with it because I did not make it for me; I made it for all of us.
My inspiration shall remain a mystery to the whole world, and by the whole world I mean you and your wife (or husband) and the two other people that have asked.
Lastly, while I cannot prevent you from eating the fishes, I would warn you that the illustration was printed with standard printer fare, meaning it is extremely likely it will just taste like inky paper. That said, you have won the privilege to do whatever your heart of hearts says is best.
While she’s not my wife, she will be the proud displayer of this picture. She’s already really excited (as you could probably tell from the last email) and with this picture, it’s shaping up to be one of the best birthdays she’s had.
Well, you should marry her. She’s a keeper.
There’s no possible way for me to know that.
You made her a happy woman.
Thanks!
#2: Marsupials Are From Mars
SUBJECT: Free 8x10 Print Illustration- Kangaroo Has Pouch Overflowing With Fish
Just as the kangaroo’s pouch overfloweth with fish, my heart swells to see this depiction of a story as old as time.
Please tell me what I need to do to own this.
My Reply:
I’m glad(?) to hear your heart is engorged by this picture.
What is the story you believe this illustration depicts?
Your answer could very well secure the bounty you seek.
A friend and I put together a little book for you that best describes the story our hearts tell us when we gaze at your picture.
We hope you enjoy it.
Click to see -->
You win all the internetz forever.
#3: Satisfying The Bored
SUBJECT: Free 8x10 Print Illustration- Kangaroo Has Pouch Overflowing With Fish
Would it be possible to have all of these prints that you have that you’re giving away, they’re fantastic.
My: Reply:
Well, that’s an awfully kind word to use for describing my work (assuming you’re referring to the informal use of the word “fantastic”).
Of the two, which do you prefer?
Thank you, though I’m not sure what the formal use of fantastic is I imagine it is capitalized, or something. Is there a one print per person limit? I would take both, but if I had to choose I would choose the kangaroo one, informally.
The formal use of fantastic just means fanciful or remote from the norm, whereas the informal use is used to describe things that are extraordinarily good.
I fell asleep typing that.
Your answer has made the slinky slightly depressed. It understands you were put in a tough spot, but it doesn’t change the facts.
Conversely, the kangaroo is so damn ecstatic it jumped up and down in excitement, causing a fish to pop out of her pouch.
I should have never forced you to choose, but what’s done is done.
If you would still like them both, you shall have them, but their reactions will be reflected in the illustrations you receive.
Alright, well did you know the root of O.k. Is in slang from like 200 years ago? Sort of like the equivalence of ‘skool’ or something. I am not an etymologist. I just appreciate the carefree joie de vivre nature of the kangaroo, a bold social commentary on I assume gender inequality. The brave response of kangaroo in the face of doom of oppressive society is inspiring. But I will take both.
I was unaware of the origins behind ok, but I think that’s… just fine.
I rarely ascribe genders in my creations, so the fact you noticed is all the more reason to believe you are an excellent observer and candidate to receive these illustrations, and as a consequence of your superb interpretation, the slinky now holds you in reverence, while the kangaroo has picked up the fallen fish. Your illustrations will now be delivered unaltered.
The resolution was very good, while the character development was shaky throughout, we at the board are satisfied.
Nothing beats a satisfactory board.
It would be best to have a number to text to facilitate our meeting, considering I’ve already thrown away my only periwinkle blue corsage.
I am an 8’10″ bald man I won’t need the corsage. My number is [redacted]
The place we’re meeting is teeming with giant shiny-topped elderly dudes.
It’s a damn good thing you left your number.
#4: Murder Den Decorations
SUBJECT: Free Prints
LOVE BOTH OF THE PRINTS YOU HAVE ON CRAIGSLIST. I recently moved into a new place and i’m looking for fun colorful Pop-art style artwork for my walls, and i love how quirky and fun these are. Please let me know if they are still available and I will come pick them up asap.
My Reply:
Thank you for your interest in what it is I do, whatever that “it” is.
I would be happy to christen your walls with my work, contingent on your promise that you haven’t moved to a new place because the authorities were closing in on the old one.
I don’t like discriminating against criminals, as I’m sure they can have superlative artistic taste, it’s just that I am reluctant to provide visual distractions for someone who should really be spending more time exploring the internal impulses that tell them to do the bad thing that “makes the heads come off funny.”
If that happens to be you, I would encourage you to get help first and wall art second.
Huh? I’m not a criminal!!! What r you talking about? Lol
I apologize if I seem overly-cautious, but when someone tells me that they’ve recently moved from somewhere, there’s always a possibility it’s because they’ve left a pile of bodies in their wake.
All you’ve offered so far is a denial, and I really need a promise.Just write back “I did not recently move because I was about to be caught by police for doing bad things to peoples’ heads”, and the illustrations are all yours.
You seem likable (killers are not known for utilizing “lol” in their correspondence), but if you can’t commit to that statement, it’s entirely possible (albeit unlikely) that I would be providing final decorative touches to your next murder den.
Oh my god this is bizarre and you seem crazy thanks anyway
Well I’m certainly not going to argue with that assessment.
If you change your mind and can make that aforementioned promise, the offer is open-ended.
Ciao!
I have definitely never commited murder or decapitations or impalement on anyone and did not move because the smell of decaying flesh was becoming too obvious in my small one bdrm apartment. I simply moved because this new place allowed more natural light and the layout was much cozier.
Is that better?
That was EXACTLY what I needed to hear, and I sincerely appreciate you alleviating my concerns.
I think it’s only fair that I also promise I’m none of those things, just a simple illustrator/narrator offering up free illustrations to folks who respond to my ad.
I’m sorry if I seemed unusually focused on confirming your relative normalcy.
Sidenote: it sounds like you’ve found a lovely little place, and I would be happy to have my art adorning your walls.
I’m happy I was able to ease your morbidly paranoid mind
Come on now… Would you ever consider meeting someone from the interwebs who refused to promise they weren’t a murderer?
Maybe you’re willing to throw caution to the wind, but me? I’d like to think I’m a survivor.
Yes you are right, maybe I should ask people about their criminal history before meeting. That seems like the smart sane thing to do. I really like the prints and I want them!
While I appreciate you sharing your excitement for these prints, your continued tolerance for my ambiguous sanity already says as much.
The Email Responses
