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Mercenary Wine Flute Descends Upon Marshmallow Family With Mafia Ties
It’s the day of reckoning for a gelatinous family with strong organized crime connections, as a piece of mercenary crystalware prepares to slaughter her squishy, slumbering victims.
As the glassy assassin silently sloshes from room to unsuspecting room, make no mistake; before she is done, the halls will run white with goo.
This is an 8×10 printed illustration. Will sign upon request.
The Mercenary Wine Post
#1: Window Into Another World
SUBJECT: Mercenary Wine Flute Descends Upon Marshmallow Family With Mafia Ties
Will you hand deliver as well?
My Reply:
I will indeed, assuming by hand delivery, you don’t mean you’ll get my hand, or that I’ll be performing a baby extraction.
Both of those will cost money, which we can discuss.
By hand delivery I simply mean delivering to me by hand!
Considering the questionable legality of the other two options, that’s probably for the best.
Can we meet Sunday? I absolutely must have your work but my schedule has gotten a bit complicated.
That’s fine.
Just FYI, by the time you receive it, the wine glass may have moved on to a different room…
[Follow Up Email]
I realized after reading that this could be confused to mean I’ll give it to someone else. What I meant was that I may have to redraw it slightly to show a couple of the marshmallows already butchered.
I am confused
I apologize for the confusion. Allow me to clarify.
What you are receiving is like a window into another world.The longer it takes to get that window into another person’s hands, the greater the chance that something will have happened between now and then.As long as we are able to meet up sometime before Sunday or Monday, everything should look exactly the same.
If we wait much longer, the window will “refresh”, and new developments will be depicted in the illustration.
I think I am on to you and the marshmallow mafia.
I’m not sure I appreciate the implication.
I have no affiliation with either the marshamallows or whoever (or whatever) hired the wine glass to send a murderous message.
My allegiance is to the sanctity of my position as the illustrative narrator to that world’s events.
As such, I take the duty very seriously, and my concern was that without the proper pretext, you may be disappointed if you waited too long and new developments had altered the illustration’s contents.
In a gesture of loyalty and goodwill, if new developments occur between now and the time we meet, I will take the unorthodox step of creating a new window (new print) rather than creating over the old window (the first print you’ve already seen).
In this way you will receive the original print you contacted me about while I can continue to perform my job faithfully.
My only fear is that creating this completely separate illustration may open up an alternate universe scenario, but I suppose I’ll just have to cross that existential bridge when I get there.
I will gladly cross that existential bridge with you, just as soon as I’m free and we can link up. My name is [redacted] and my number is [redacted], give me a ring or shoot me a text tomorrow.
Please don’t let my number fall into the wrong hands.?
It already fell into my hands… nowhere to go but up.
#2: Just Drop The Blueberry, Bird!
SUBJECT: Mercenary Wine Flute Descends Upon Marshmallow Family With Mafia Ties
Love this tile.
I’m driving my truck coming off the BQE at [redacted], can we meet there to exchange the tile for a thanks? Around 11 am that is.
Thanks in advance
MY REPLY:
This literally sounds like the best thing that could ever happen (though I’d be tempted to try to barter for or steal your trucker hat… wait, is that trucksist?)
Unfortunately, I have a prior engagement that prevents this from happening.
Sidenote, you called this a tile, and I just want to make sure you know it’s a piece of paper. Your phone probably auto corrected without you noticing, and kudos for choosing to focus on the road rather than endangering the lives of everyone around you on your quest for a doodle.
If you would like to send me your address, I can mail this sucker off to you. Alternatively, I can send you a digital file that’s printable up to 8×10 without loss in quality, which you can print off at Staples for a buck.
I know I’ll never hear it, but when you get to this part, please toot your horn.
My hope is that it scares a nearby bird holding a blueberry, who takes flight, heads my direction, and then accidentally drops it at the precise moment that it will fall into my incredulous mouth.
Low odds I realize, but even lower if you sit idly by and do nothing.
[Follow-up email]Last call for this wine glass/marshmallow illustration!
Oh, thanks for remembering the trucker boy.
Shall we meet?
Or you can mail it to:[address redacted]
Honestly, mailing it would probably be better in this case. You’ll be receiving it fairly shortly.
Also, I never did get that blueberry. Not even pooped on.
thank you so much you are a real man!
I will honk again today when I get off the exit so be waiting for your blueberry
Although I’m sure my father would disagree, I am very happy my manhood has achieved trucker validation status!
Sorry to keep this so short, but I have a few hours of staring open-mouthed at the sky ahead of me.
Expect your illustration soon
hi. I received the doodle
it's a wonderful piece, although I don't yet get what it's all about. I honked again today as I came off the exit....
Thank you so much!
Glad you like it!
These damn birds are just not cooperating though…
*sigh*
#3: Hands Off My Heart
SUBJECT: Mercenary Wine Flute Descends Upon Marshmallow Family With Mafia Ties
Brilliant!! If you are truly gifting this art, I would appreciate you considering me. In turn I would gift it to my daughter who is passionate about art and the uniqueness of a true artist. please let me know. (I am a single disabled mom, so all I could offer at this point would be a heart felt thank you)
MY REPLY:
Howdy!
You seem sweet to troll the internetz looking for weird finds for your daughter. How can I not support that cause?
I have 10 or so illustrations I've created thus far, of which you can have as many or few as you'd like.
My only concern is your daughter's age, since some of my artwork, including the piece you responded to, portray rather macabre events about to unfold.
I won't mince words, those little sleeping marshmallows are about to be slaughtered.
Should you feel your daughter is not of an age to cope with this fictional reality, may I suggest giving the wine glass a Santa hat and sack, and changing the narrative to how jolly ole Kris Crystalware is delivering the tiny gooey tikes shot glasses filled with fruit juice?
Similar arrangements can be made for my other illustrations.Also, with regards to heartfelt thanks, the pathway to touch that feller is directly through my ribcage, so a regular thanks would not only be sufficient, but preferable.
The Email Responses
