#4: Butt Pleasures

 

SUBJECT: Bowlingball print

 

Hi,

 

I saw your post on Craigslist. Are prints of the bowling ball still available?

 

Thanks

 

Oliver

 

 

My Reply:

 

There is only one free print remaining, but it is in the process of being picked up.

 

I can either waitlist you and let you know if that person is a no show… ...OR I could be persuaded to create one additional print just for you.

 

Do you have a compelling reason why I should? I will accept many, including any or all of the following:

 

1) I have a bowling ball friend who is going through a similar crisis.

2) It makes me want to believe in true love and diabetes.

3) I want one.

 

La Jeremy

 

 

Dear la Jaremy,

 

Thanks again for considering me for a position in your a cappella ensemble. Though I am honored by the offer, a man must earn his own bread. And like bread, I come with a price.

 

I will join the traveling troupe under 5 out of 7 conditions. You choose yourself which you will meet.

 

1) we do butt stuff

 

2) you treat me to a seafood dinner with your parents

 

3) Pay me an annual salary of $40,000 and a kiss

 

4) we agree to be open in matters in and around each other's butts

 

5) get me a puppy with one white paw

 

6) take me bowling twice every third week of the month

 

7) touch my anus, then allow me to touch yours.

 

I am very excited to begin working with you. I assure you my beatboxing shall bring new life, love, passion, and vigor to the workplace.

 

With love,

Richard Handle

 

 

Dear Oliver and/or Richard,

 

The number of clarifications necessary in this email is so staggering that I have elected to address each as bullet points. I would suggest reading in shifts, so that you are able to address each one, but how a farmer cuts his crops no one’s business but his own.

 

A) The relationship between myself and those who accept my prints bears so little resemblance to an a cappella ensemble, that I am concerned you have suffered a stroke since your initial email, and that our correspondence is destined to devolve into non-sequitur gibberish. I’d strongly recommend a check-up if either you have medical insurance or happen to know a friend who owns a hospital. That said, I do not discriminate with regard to who I offer my prints, and you are still on the waitlist.

 

B) There is a logical gap around the time you identify yourself as both a man earning bread, and also the bread which may be earned. While I refrain from making judgements about another person’s value system, I can only imagine how this philosophy must negatively impact your interactions at bakeries.

 

Your value system has also created a paradox to my value system, which simultaneously believes that giftees should meet the requirements of the gifters, but also that one person’s value system is no less important than another's. While I suspect my system is more traditionally subscribed to by society, I acknowledge that the popularity of a value system does not inherently make it any more or less correct. In appreciation for giving me the opportunity to grow by highlighting this contradiction, I will ATTEMPT, as best I can, to suspend my value system in respect of yours.

 

C) At this point, you make mention of a traveling troupe. Again, I cannot stress this enough, this is just a simple transaction where I give you a print. Traveling will be restricted to a one-time location we collectively agree to meet for this transaction. If it’s any consolation, you will be my first interviewee in the extremely unlikely event that this whole thing turns into some sort of traveling troupe.

 

D) At last we arrive at your list of conditions for accepting the print. I will address each separately for clarification’s sake:

 

1) We do butt stuff

 

Without getting explicit, I already do “butt stuff”, typically after my morning coffee. I won’t speculate as to whether you also do butt stuff, but if you do, this condition is satisfied.

 

2) you treat me to a seafood dinner with your parents

 

I am dubious this condition could ever be met, as most restaurants would be reticent to serve scallops to an excavated corpse.

 

3) Pay me an annual salary of $40,000 and a kiss

 

As a fledgling artist who gives away illustrations, I think we both realize that this condition is essentially balderdash.

 

4) we agree to open in matters in and around each others’ butts

 

What you elect to do with your butt is up to you, and I’m certainly comfortable with what I elect to do with mine (see morning coffee reference above). However, pronoun “we” implies I may need to convince you to be open regarding these matters if you are not, and I have neither the right nor inclination to do so.

 

As with #1, the satisfaction of this condition is contingent on you.

 

5) get me a puppy with one white paw

 

This one has the most clarifying questions. When you say “get”, do you mean you would like to OWN a puppy, which I give to you, or that you would just like to RECEIVE a puppy, which I could then return? Assuming the former (and that enough other conditions were met to necessitate the process), I would need to feel secure that the puppy would be going to a good home. As it stands, you seem antsy to hop into a beatboxing career and travel the country. Would you take the dog with us, or would you put him/her down before we left? Would you feed it table scraps? What would the walking schedule be like, and what if another member of the traveling troupe were allergic? These are serious questions with serious consequences.

 

Lastly, does the paw need to stay white for the duration of its life, or could the paw dipped in whipped topping, then rinsed off after delivery?

 

6) Take me bowling twice every third week of the month

 

If by “the month” you are referring to this month, then every third week would just be this upcoming week. If by “take me bowling”, you mean meeting up at a bowling alley for ten frames on two separate occasions during that week, then I can satisfy this condition.

 

If you mean that I will pay for your bowling, that I’ll pick you up in a car or have a car waiting for you to drive you to the lanes, or that this will happen every month, then unfortunately I cannot meet this condition.

 

7) touch my anus, then allow me to touch yours.

 

This was by far the most difficult of the conditions, as I have no desire to make any physical contact with anyone’s anus, including my own, nor have physical contact made upon my anus. The only possible circumvention of this rule which would satisfy the letter of the law, if not the spirit, is the following:

 

a) I write “my anus” on a piece of paper and touch the words.

b) I write “yours” on a piece of paper, and when we meet to give the print, you touch those words.

 

——————————

 

In summation, it is highly improbable, though not impossible, that you will receive this print if we follow your value system parameters. #2 and #3 are completely unfeasible, and many of the others will require liberal interpretations of conditions clearly intended to avoid the original intention.

 

That being said, I commend you for maintaining your integrity throughout the process , and wish more could have been done to reward this resolve.

 

With Sympathy