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Penguins in Bumper Cars Cause Massive Traffic Jam
This is an illustration of vehicles coming to a standstill as seven penguins bop into one another on a major highway.
As the birds have a grand time playing in tiny cars, motorists struggle to convince skeptical employers why they will be late for work.
The 8.5"x11" print will be signed upon delivery.
The Bumper Car Penguins Post
#1: Feng This Shui
SUBJECT:
hey is this painting still up for grabs?
My Reply:
Definitely for possibly.
Could you tell me more about yourself, so that I can determine the quality of the home that receives it? Have you employed feng shui in the room it will reside?
[Follow Up Email]
PLEASE tell me you have employed feng shui in your home.
Don’t even do it for my art; do it for yourself. You don’t know the meaning of life until your couch is facing toward a forthcoming lunar eclipse.
cant say I have... care to elaborate feng shui for me. if I get a better understanding maybe ill do it, not for the love of art. But for me :)
Feng shui is best described as spirtual ergonomics for your furniture.
Practiced effectively, no one in your home will ever suffer hiccups again.
#2: Soul Eaters Need Not Apply
SUBJECT: Free Art - Penguins in Bumper Cars Cause Massive Traffic Jam
Hello. I luv penguins since forever please contact thank you in advance morning are best here
My Reply:
I am pleased to hear you share the same (presumably platonic) love for penguins as I.
However, this “since forever” part is concerning… was the remark mere hyperbole, or a slip of the tongue?
Brass tacks: Are you immortal?
If so, how did you gain this ability, and how does it work?
Is this something you regulate, or does it require occasionally consuming the souls of others?
If so, what do souls taste like? Is it anything like swallowing feathers?
Suffice it to say, my sketch is free, but my soul is not (although I’m sure we can negotiate a reasonable price).
P.S.> Mornings (after the sun is risen, you wily vampire) also work best for me.
[Follow Up]
It has been two days since I last requested you to confirm that you weren’t in the business of soul eating.
I can only assume that my line of questioning has either exposed the truth, or scared you away.
If the former, then I am grateful, for I love life dearly. Also, if I were willing to accept such an exchange, I would have posted in the Craigslist barter section.
If the latter, then I must apologize for causing undue concern by forcing you to answer these sort of questions.
As I mentioned before, I love life, so much so that I must sometimes ask uncomfortable questions to protect it.
If you are still interested in the illustration, please let me know. Otherwise, I wish you a most glorious life.
#3: An Unrequited Love
SUBJECT: Free Art - Penguins in Bumper Cars Cause Massive Traffic Jam
Is it still available
My Reply:
For pick up? Yes.
For dating? No, it only dates other art prints. Unless you happen to be an art print that can also type… Hold on lemme ask.
…
Hey, I’m back. Even if you’re an art print that can type, it still says no. Said that while your gift is amazing, it would harbor feelings of inadequacy that would eventually devolve into resentment. It realizes that’s not fair for you, but it still has some growing to do and hopes you understand.
It’s not you, it’s it.
If you were just asking if available for pick up, please disregard the tangent.
[Follow Up]
I apologize that my art print spurned you, without ever really getting to know you.
Should I assume that, given your lack of response, you are no longer interested in offering it free room and board on your wall?
I mean, if it won’t give you a chance, why should you return the favor?
Good morning. I don't know much about art ...but I saw your picture and loved it ...that's my everyday life always driving and in massive traffic jams. .With a bunch of bumper car in my way. ..so I can relate to your picture....
As long as you understand this love is unrequited, I would happy to give you this illustration.
#4: What Is It, Exactly?
SUBJECT: Free Art - Penguins in Bumper Cars Cause Massive Traffic Jam
I can come at [redacted], if it is good .
My Reply:
I’m sorry, but somehow your message slipped through the cracks.
I’ve applied a decent sealant to help prevent this sort of thing from happening again, but the label said it's mainly for waterproofing (and a knock-off brand to boot) so I’ll need to monitor how it goes.
Anyway, as I said, I apologize for not getting back to you.
If the pronoun “it” refers whether the time is good… well, no. Mainly because it’s now two days ago.
If “it” refers to the art print, well, that’s really a determination for you to make. It’s certainly good enough that I don’t feel inclined to throw it away rather than give it to a deserving stranger, if that helps in your decision at all.
I think that your artwork is really a now statement or should I say a way of our society's behavior . Everyone is in a rush to go nowhere making it risky for everyone on the road . People don't think about consequences . No brains , may as well be Penguins .
My [redacted] will be ready to go Friday but I am sure that will not be happening since it is two days since you displayed your artwork . I was hoping to get your artwork then . I really enjoyed your artwork , I meant you no disrespect calling your artwork it . I just meant was that a good time to come over .
I think your interpretation of my illustration is terrific, and I can assure that it will be available for you when you are ready to pick it up (I create multiple copies).
#5: Vampires And Bugs
SUBJECT: Free Art - Penguins in Bumper Cars Cause Massive Traffic Jam
Hi,
This is so cute. Is it available during the day? thanks!
My Reply:
Congrats! You had the quickest hands! Moreover, you have shown yourself to be a remarkably intelligent person by requesting a daytime meet up to avoid New York’s rampant vampire infestation.
I’m doing my small part by creating these works and posting them during nocturnal hours in hopes some bored, undead vamp will become so enamored by the work, it will risk a daylight exchange and scorch its infernal skin.
(I also eat a loaf of italian bread and then breathe heavy throughout the exchange, just to annoy them).
Would you mind sending me a photo once your drawing has reached its destination, so I know it went to a good, loving home?
So sorry, was supposed to be in [redacted] today, have come down with a bug, out of commission for a bit I am afraid. Thanks so much, I guess you need to move on to the next nightowl. Best to you
Poor [redacted],
This bug has afflicted you in a most heinous fashion.
I give these prints away in hopes of making peoples' days better. You have been maliciously assaulted by nature, and I'm expected to pour salt on the wound by depriving you of an earned illustration?
What kind of world would we be living in if we were punished for illnesses beyond our control? What is a life without empathy? A real big piece of poop if you ask me.
As you suffer, so do we all. Our war is against the illnesses that infect us and our loved ones, and I will not stand idle while it corrupts a happiness you so richly deserve after staying up extra late to troll Craigslist one night.
This bug has accomplished nothing more than ensuring you receive not just one, BUT TWO illustrations.
Head to my store at www.joeyallgood.com, and tell me which extra illustration you would like along with the penguins.
They will both be waiting for you when you recover.
Sincerely,
Joey Allgood
Thanks Joey!!
#6: A Bird In Hand
SUBJECT: Free Art - Penguins in Bumper Cars Cause Massive Traffic Jam
The print you have listed on Craigslist is just great! I was wondering if it’s still available, as I can meet up in the city today or tomorrow to hopefully get a copy.
Thank you
My Reply:
Dearest [redacted],
Thanks so much for your interest in my work. Where will this print be going? I’m pretty ambivalent as long as it isn’t shredded and added to a bird cage, but still curious.
All the best, plus just a little bit more
Wow, dearest on your first email! Never would it ever be shred to bits and added to a bird cage, of which I don't have a bird anyway. However, perhaps your comment was premonition as a beautiful red and black bird flew into our apartment while I was out today. I left my patio door open to allow our black lab puppy to go in and out on such a beautiful day today and in flew a bird. It has since been released and is presumably, flying free and not in a jam, unlike the penguins stuck in traffic.
Click here to see -->
Dear (But Not Any Dearer Than Normal) [redacted],
I assure you I have no control over the birds of this fair city, as evidenced by the unsolicited Pollack-esque paintings they regularly leave on my car.
As your puppy ages, I’m sure it can be trained to close doors behind it. I mean, it’s just good sense, right?
I'm just seeing this email now after walking my sweet puppy. Honestly, he should learn to close a door or two soon. We'll work on that after teaching him to roll over.
Speaking from experience, I would advise NOT teaching your puppy to lock doors, as this is a recipe for daily treat ransoms.
#7: Blast From The Past
SUBJECT: Free Art - Penguins in Bumper Cars Cause Massive Traffic Jam
Hello [redacted]:
I would like a picture of Penguins in Bumper Cars Cause Massive Traffic Jam.
My Reply:
Hello [redacted]:
You are a fantastic name guesser!
Share the secret to your parlor trick, and this baby’s all yours. :)
My associate and I have been following your artwork for quite some time now and believe that our humble abode will not be complete until it is adorned with a [redacted] piece.
How terrifically disturbing!
Your associate and I have been in contact, then.
Were they successful in obtaining the piece he or she inquired about?
He was not; as I recall, he was somewhat overzealous with talks of bowling, seafood dinners with his parents, and anal pleasures.
Given the nature of Criaglist, this only narrows the field by three people.
However, if I am guessing correctly, there was one particular gentleman with a peculiar philosophy regarding receiving free things that we were unable to resolve.
You are a special person to live with someone with this philosophy, and for this I will reward you with a bowling ball print as well. I am giving it to you, not him, since I can’t possibly meet his parameters. If you would like to gift it to him afterward, this is your prerogative, and I wish you the best of luck.
The Email Responses
