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Mushroom Watches From Balcony As Pines Gather Below
I am looking for a new home for an 8×10 print on 80lb glossy card stock.
This is an illustration of a perched fungus observing as a colossal coniferous crowd forms beneath it.
While the motivation behind the enormous evergreen gathering remains ambiguous, the fact these pines have traversed treacherous mountain paths by moonlight suggest an event of great importance is about to occur.
The Balcony Mushroom Post
#8: Did I Tickle The Wrong Thing?
SUBJECT: Free 8x10 Print- Mushroom Watches From Balcony As Pines Gather Below
Very funny. I hope you find a good home for this. You made me laugh–thanks!
My Reply:
How splendid that my illustration brought levity into your life.
While I can no longer offer you the original print, I can offer a digital reproduction, and since the work was created digitally, it will be identical in almost every conceivable way.
If this tickles your fancy, let me know. If not, apologies for mentioning your fancy.
[Follow Up Email]
Were you offended by my fancy talk (metaphorically and/or literally)? If so, I humbly apologize.
Offended? Whatever by? I think I’d better pass on the offer, however kind. I am drowning in paper and cannot find my way out.
Keep on keepin’ on!
Some people like to wait until they’re married to have their fancies tickled.
It’s a weird country.
#9: A Discrete Signature Request
SUBJECT: Free 8x10 Print- Mushroom Watches From Balcony As Pines Gather Below
Best post ever
My Reply:
Best response ever
Would you like a print, or were you just admiring?
Ok, this is CL so I was a little skeptical. It will be framed and hanging on our wall.[address redacted]
If you could send it directly that would be amazing. I’m an artist as well and appreciate it.
One last question… would you like it signed?
Yes please! As long as the signature does not take away from the glorious art.
Is this subtle enough?
Click to see -->
Haha! Sure!
You are a terrific sport! And do you know what terrific sports get?
EXTRA SKETCHES
BOOWEEOOO BOOWEEOOO <— celebratory sirens
For your chilled back response to my little joke, I’d love to send you an extra sketch on the house!
Swing on over and tell me which one you’d prefer. If you don’t have any other favorites, I’ll send you two copies of the mushroom and you can give one to a friend. Or eat it. Or burn it for warmth. Whatevs.
Ha! Thanks Joey! I do similar illustrations and I appreciate your work greatly, and humor. I would love a copy of Suspicious Hotdog Burying Roll of Quarters Near a Redwood Tree
Let me know if that is possible.
Thanks man, I really appreciate this.
No problem, man!
#1: Shrooms and Glugging Goblin Blood
SUBJECT: Is your post...
code for mushrooms like the drug? cause if it’s really a free 8×10 print of this picture that you would expect anyone to like and spend money to come pick it up from you well… I could just print it out right now online and it’s mine without ever having to budge from my seat…not being rude..just wondering if you’re really being honest about this…lol..
My Reply:
I assure you that my sincerity could not be more sincere (word repeated for emphasis and also laziness).
I have not and will never endorse or partake in illicit drug activities, with one small theoretical caveat.Laws be damned, if one day we discover that goblins exist, I will capture one and drink its foul blood, eat some raw fish and feel mighty.
I will certainly not begrudge your skepticism, and actually appreciate a soul savvy enough to analyze beyond the illustration and into the motivation for its existence. To your dismay or delight, there’s only more veneer beneath the veneer.
In terms of printing out the illustration, I encourage it! If you enjoy it, and are willing to live without the dubious value of the creator’s autograph, it brings glad to my heart just to make something that stirs my audience’s intellectual loins.
Alrighty then… you write so eloquently btw…
Such a gracious compliment! My exemplary vocabulary and superb linguistic style come courtesy of my wonderful mother, who is an English Bull Terrier.
If you would like a print of my illustration hand signed, I will be happy to oblige. If you were simply writing to discern the validity of my offering and have no interest in the illustration, well that’s just dandy too.
Your illustration reminds me of the photo art that comes with windows micorsoft word clip art…what kind of software did you use to make it?
A dash of soul, a pinch of wit, and a heaping helping of Sketchbook Pro/Digital stylus on my Note 3.
Well besides the picture, I liked the story better. Because trees do howl around very special events. Its is a super natural phenomenon that when change occurs, the wind blows. And when the wind blows, the trees can then discreetly enforce and manifests there intents. The interesting idea I picked up in your picture were the pine looking trees coming together near a fungi.(pretty obvious). Certain fungi are known to only grow at the feet of the generals aka, the king of all trees: the Red woods. The Red woods are are the antennae of the Earth and that of which sustains life. They are the most conscious of all trees which is why through out history you will find similar interpretations of talking or moving or even haunting trees. They all root (no pun intended) in the these old ideas of other worldly conscious beings; but main stream structures and social washing are just some of the reasons why these ideas are just fairy tale now. Your fungi interpretation seems to object to the idea of botanical hierarchy which makes this more interesting since Mushrooms posses the ability to aid and assist other life forms with other and higher states of consciousness. They are like the the key holders to another world that is also another part of you. …wink*
What a terrific interpretation :)
I’m glad my illustration reminded you of such things, and I think you would make an excellent person to own this print.
#2: Walking Circles Around You
SUBJECT: Free 8x10 Print- Mushroom Watches From Balcony As Pines Gather Below
I would like one or two !!!! for free?
My Reply:
The first one is free. The second will cost you the first one, so basically you’ll be exchanging yours for mine. Then I’ll probably regret losing mine and offer you both of them if I can give you a dollar.
ok I’ll take two and your two dollars DEAL ?
I think you misunderstood my proposal.
I have no interest in giving you two illustrations and two dollars.
I am willing to give you one illustration. I’ll also have one illustration on my person. If you offer to exchange mine for yours, I will accept, fallaciously presuming that one is just as good as the other. After this exchange has occurred, I will experience remorse from giving up my extra illustration, and will want to get rid of your illustration because it reminds me of the illustration I lost. At that point, I will then offer that you take both illustrations, and if you refuse, I will offer you a dollar to take both illustrations out of my sight.
Now, if you would be willing to tear up both illustrations in front of me, thereby destroying all evidence of this painful experience, that would be worth giving you two dollars.
Na Thanks anyway
You drive a hard bargain.
What if I were to bring two extra illustrations besides your illustration, give one to you, then make the previously agreed upon exchange. When I start to regret giving mine to you, you take yours, mine, and one dollar. When I ask you to tear them up for two dollars, tell me to piss off, that I’d still have one to remind me of what happened, then I’ll walk in a circle around you and leave.
Sound better?
Man this is too weird,
So How about you take the two you were going give me and take the one i wasn’t gonna give you along with the 2 dollars and shove them.
Have a nice day
I’m sorry we couldn’t come to an agreement.
If you happen to change your mind about any of the offers (one free illustration/two illustrations plus one dollar/no illustrations plus two dollars), let me know!
Have a good one!
#3: Get Out of Our Messiah!!!
SUBJECT: Free 8x10 Print- Mushroom Watches From Balcony As Pines Gather Below
Please mail this esoteric image to [address redacted].
You will receive a picture of similar disposition in return.
Yours in Christ
My Reply:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN CHRIST?!? GET OUT OF THERE!!! ARE YOUR SHOES OFF AT LEAST?
Please don’t tell me you’ve been tracking mud in our Savior.
As far as the print goes, I’ll gladly send you one, but you will need to pick it up at a shop in LA.
Excellent *Taps fingertips together*
It’s a deal.
-Hail Satan
I don’t know you.
But I love you.
#4: Snickety Throom
SUBJECT: Free 8x10 Print- Mushroom Watches From Balcony As Pines Gather Below
Hello! Is the print still available? Thank you
My Reply:
For you? It will always be available.
I’m not really basing that on any knowledge of you. Perhaps I should… do you believe it should always be available to you?
If so, answer in rhyme.
If not, sulk in a corner somewhere and contemplate your low self-worth.
[Follow Up Email]
I assume you are either still configuring your rhyme, or wishing you’d never contacted me.
FYI, I’m not requiring a complex, multi-syllabic sonnet. I’m not even a fan of iambic pentameter.
I was just thinking about emailing you to see if it’s still available. If it is, hang on! I’m working on it. Had a rough weekend but I am looking forward to giving a shot to adopting the great mushroom and his tree minions for my eager and loving weirdo family. I have cced my partner who is a much better writer and is also very excited to be part of the mushroom’s life.
While I tremendously appreciate your efforts to create the best possible response to secure this masterpiece, I am not particularly interested in the highest quality writing, which I’m sure your partner could no doubt write.
I would prefer an simple, honest attempt that shows me you’re sincerely inclined to own this art. The fact that you’ve gone out of your way by calling in reinforcements tells me as much.
Congrats! It’s yours!
Although I’d still love to see your poem, and your partner’s, for that matter, you have proven genuine interest, which is all I would ever ask of my audience.
As asked, as the somewhat-silent partner, here is my mushroom poem attempt. Written on the thought of what an advancing coniferous host must sound like.
——-
SNICKETY THROOM
they come
SNICKETY THROOM
the wood is walking
SNICKETY THROOM
they stretch and claw
SNICKETY THROOM
the wood is growing
SNICKETY THROOM
they draw closer
SNICKETY THROOM
the wood is
here
—-
Thanks for sharing your art with us.
Loved, loved, LOVED it!
Thanks so much for humoring me, and I hope you enjoy your new art :)
#5: Wrong Dimensions
SUBJECT: Free 8x10 Print- Mushroom Watches From Balcony As Pines Gather Below
inches or feet??
My Reply:
Kilometers.
Unfortunately, someone has already folded it up and sailed away on a wind gust.
#6: That's What She Said
SUBJECT: Free 8x10 Print- Mushroom Watches From Balcony As Pines Gather Below
the fact that* these pines have traversed treacherous mountain paths…just saying.
My Reply:
First, thank you for pointing this out to me. If (and when) I make grammatical mistakes, I rely on other people to point it out. Except for Brad Pitt in the late 90’s, none of us are perfect.Some people get offended by this sort of unsolicited advice… I am definitely not one of those people.
I’ll get to the point:
You are right.
Adding the “that” is absolutely appropriate and necessary for the section in question to be grammatically correct.
WARNING! Absurd anthropomorphic justification follows below. You can skip over the pink part and miss absolutely nothing.
____________________________________
That said, I consciously omitted for assonant (and perhaps asinine, but I digress) purposes.
“The fact that these pines traversed” followed all the rules, and yet always came out clunky, resulting in a wobbly landing after it flopped from my tongue.
Conversely, “The fact these pines traversed” didn’t give a baker’s dozen about the rules, dismounted cleanly from my lips, made a spectacular tumble, and landed exactly how I was expecting.
Needless to say, a crowd’s roar did not impact the judges’ scores, but pretty much everyone was cool with that.
Of course, there’s no way you could have known that I abandoned structure for style, which is why…
____________________________
I am sincerely grateful that you took the time out of your evening to point out the error.
In hindsight, I could have reworded that portion to retain the assonant essence I craved without causing those with a good nose for grammar to cringe.
In thanks for your time and effort, I will not only offer you the illustration, but one of my other illustrations as well.
If you are completely uninterested in my work, at least in comparison to grammar, I will also be happy to send a signed page from E.B White and William Strunk’s magnificent “Elements of Style” book.
Though I didn’t write book, you can consider the signature both an endorsement of its contents and for needlessly destroying nice things.
Please see below for your options.
How delightful, I would like the one with the pink brontosaurus. Thank you.
Well, then the one with the pink brontosaurus YOU SHALL HAVE!!
Also, you’re delightful. Thanks again for taking the time to look over my words and offer advice.
#7: Good News, Bad News
SUBJECT: Free 8x10 Print- Mushroom Watches From Balcony As Pines Gather Below
I’ll take it!
My Reply:
I have good news and bad news…The good news is that I am able to give you a free print of this illustration.
The bad news is because I am offering an illustration and not a time machine, eventually everyone we know and love will die.
[Follow-Up email]
I hope the reminder of our loved ones inevitable demise didn’t come at an inopportune time.
You came for a mushroom, not a bleak reality check.
Sorry,I just had to recover from a day’s laughing fit.
No apologies necessary.
I hope you’re drinking lots of fluids as you heal.
If you’re still interested in the print, let me know.
The Email Responses
